Compatibility: The Biggest Marriage Myth?
Compatibility is the biggest lie about marriage, and we’re ready to bust that myth wide open! Join us, Jeff and Teresa Fields, as we dig into our 33-year journey and share the truth: it’s not about finding someone who ticks all your boxes. Spoiler alert: if you think you need to be perfectly matched to have a happy marriage, you’re in for a surprise! We’ll dive into five common misconceptions that keep couples stuck and how embracing differences can actually lead to a deeper connection. So grab your favorite drink, kick back, and let’s uncover how faith, love, and a bit of grace can transform your relationship!
The biggest myth floating around in the marriage world? Compatibility! Yeah, we’re here to spill the beans on why that’s one of the biggest lies. So, grab your coffee and get comfy as we dive into the nitty-gritty of marriage. We’re Jeff and Teresa, your go-to duo with 33 years of marital wisdom under our belts. We’ve got three awesome kids and a grandbaby who’s just the cherry on top of our family sundae. Today, we’re breaking down the idea that you need to be perfectly compatible with your partner to have a successful marriage. Spoiler alert: it’s not true! We’ll share our journey and how our differences have sharpened us, just like good ol’ Proverbs 27:17 says. It’s not about finding the right match; it’s about growing together, overcoming challenges, and learning to love each other through thick and thin. So, whether you’re newlyweds or seasoned pros, stick with us for five lies that might be holding your marriage back and how to shift your perspective for a stronger bond. Let’s get this party started!
Takeaways:
- Marriage isn't about finding the perfect match; it's about growing together through love and grace.
- The compatibility myth is a major lie; differences can actually strengthen your relationship.
- Conflict is normal in marriage, and it's how you handle it that truly matters.
- True compatibility is cultivated and requires effort, patience, and the right attitudes.
- You can't expect your spouse to fulfill all your emotional needs; only God can complete you.
- A healthy marriage thrives on commitment, not just chemistry; faithfulness keeps you united.
Links referenced in this episode:
Companies mentioned in this episode:
- Chuck and Barb Snyder
- Inspiring Marriages
Incompatibility: Grounds for a Great
Marriage!: Chuck. Snyder: 9780945564027: Amazon.com: Books
Transcript
The biggest lie in marriage Compatibility welcome to the Inspiring Marriages podcast.
Speaker A:We are Jeff and Teresa Fields, and we are thrilled to have you with us today.
Speaker B:We've been happily married for an amazing 33 years.
Speaker B:Along the way, we've been blessed with three amazing grown children, a fantastic son in law, and the most precious grandbaby you can imagine.
Speaker A:Get ready to be inspired as we open up about our journey.
Speaker A:Our mission is to ignite a spark in couples everywhere.
Speaker A:We're all about nurturing deep friendships and cultivating marriages that thrive in every way spiritually, emotionally, romantically and physically.
Speaker A:Join us on this incredible adventure.
Speaker A:Good afternoon, Teresa.
Speaker A:How are you?
Speaker B:Good, how are you, Jeff?
Speaker A:Let's talk about one of the biggest lies there is in marriage that you need to find someone compatible.
Speaker B:Oh, we've heard this for years and years, haven't we?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And we can tell you after 33 years of marriage that this compatibility business is wildly overrated.
Speaker A:We've all seen the ads of dating sites where you're trying to find your perfect match, and they have them specialized to farmers and to seniors and all kinds of personality tests.
Speaker A:But computer dating has been around since the 60s.
Speaker A:And so it's nothing new is you got to find your match.
Speaker A:You got to find your match.
Speaker A:You kind of find your match.
Speaker A:But we've discovered a completely different path to meet Teresa.
Speaker A:Yes, our path doesn't start with compatibility, but it ends with a far deeper connection.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:So in this podcast, we're going to share five lies that keep good marriages stuck and the exact shift that changed everything for us.
Speaker B:So be sure to check out our website@inspiringmarriages.net Dive into all our previous episodes with detailed show notes that enrich your listening experience.
Speaker B:Plus, scroll down to our Keep in Touch section where you can sign up and receive our latest offerings absolutely free.
Speaker B:Don't miss out on the inspiration.
Speaker B:Visit us today.
Speaker A:Let's go ahead and dive in.
Speaker A:So, Teresa, lie number one.
Speaker A:Are you ready for this?
Speaker A:Okay, let me know what you have, what you think about this.
Speaker A:You must be prepared perfectly compatible to have a happy marriage.
Speaker B:Hmm.
Speaker B:I don't know if you can be perfectly anything in a marriage.
Speaker B:There's always going to be something more to grow in.
Speaker B:You know, you have to grow from where you are when you get married.
Speaker B:You're not going to start out perfectly compatible anyway.
Speaker A:This is the lie.
Speaker A:If you and your spouse aren't naturally alike in personality preferences or passions, the relationship is doomed.
Speaker B:Doomed.
Speaker A:But the truth is, God uses our differences to refine us and everyone says Amen.
Speaker A: Proverbs: Speaker A:NIV says, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Speaker A:In every single marriage, you're going to have a saver, you're going to have a spender.
Speaker A:The person who saves has enough money for the person to spend to have fun.
Speaker A:And the person who knows how to have fun helps the person who's a saver have fun.
Speaker B:Yeah, you need that difference that one.
Speaker A:Of you is a morning person, the other person is not.
Speaker A:So there's one of you likes always be on time and the other one is, is not that important.
Speaker A:So the one who always likes to be on time helps the other person get there more on time.
Speaker B:Jeff always helps me to be better about getting on somewhere on time.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:But marriage isn't about finding the perfect match, is it Teresa?
Speaker B:No, it really isn't.
Speaker B:I love, I love this.
Speaker B:It's about becoming more Christ, like together.
Speaker B:I mean, God designed marriage.
Speaker B:We mentioned this before, but he designed marriage so that you could become more like the Lord.
Speaker B:I mean, it's going to shave off a lot of rough edges if you let it work the way it's supposed to.
Speaker B:You know, both of you can't have your way all the time.
Speaker B:There's going to have to be give and take.
Speaker B:There's going to have to be submission.
Speaker B:There's going to have to be praying together to get through some differences.
Speaker B:I mean, it's going to work on your character for sure.
Speaker A:True compatibility is cultivated.
Speaker B:That's good.
Speaker A:Through love, sacrifice and grace.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker A:Ephesians, chapter 4, verses 2 and 3 in the ESV says with all humility and gentleness, with patience bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit and the bond of peace.
Speaker A:That sums up marriage right there, doesn't it Teresa?
Speaker B:That's a really great picture of marriage.
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker A:And I remembered this.
Speaker A:This book from decades ago is by Chuck and Barb Snyder.
Speaker A:It's called Incompatibility Grounds for a Great Marriage.
Speaker A:It's a very humorous look at how different they were and they in their marriage and how great their marriage was.
Speaker A:Now if you would like a free 90 day Bible reading plan, that's one way to growing spiritually and cultivating that compatibility.
Speaker A:Read the Bible together.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:If you like this free 90 day plan to send us an email at inspiringmarriagest.net and we will send you a link where you can sign up for this 90 day Bible plan is so good.
Speaker B:It's very comprehensive.
Speaker B:It's kind of broken down into different areas of your marriage relationship.
Speaker B:So it's not overwhelming.
Speaker A:Lie number two.
Speaker A:If you're truly meant for each other, it will always feel easy.
Speaker A:This is a lie.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Soul mates don't struggle.
Speaker B:If it's hard.
Speaker B:You married the wrong person.
Speaker B:How much have we heard that?
Speaker A:We have heard that so much.
Speaker A:I must have married the wrong person.
Speaker A:It's so hard.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Marriage is hard.
Speaker A:It is hard because you're cultivating, like we said before, you're cultivating through love, sacrifice and grace.
Speaker A:And you sometimes you have to prefer the other.
Speaker A:The other person, don't you?
Speaker B:Yes, yes, absolutely.
Speaker B:If you don't take that path, you're going to either be very unhappily married or end up in some kind of broken relationship, separation or divorce.
Speaker B:It's these.
Speaker B:These lies lead to so, so much dis.
Speaker B:What's the word?
Speaker B:Dissolution.
Speaker A:Discontent.
Speaker B:Discontent.
Speaker B:There's another one, too.
Speaker B:This lies lead to people being disillusioned and discontent.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:The truth is, every marriage faces trials.
Speaker A:Growth comes through perseverance and faith.
Speaker B:Absolutely, yes.
Speaker B:I mean, if you don't like a habit or the way your spouse does something, you're going to have to just learn patience.
Speaker B:You're going to have to learn to persevere.
Speaker B:They may not change ever that.
Speaker B:That one habit or that thing that bothers you, you can mention it to them and they can work on that if they want to, but, you know, it's really up to your spouse if they want to work on that is how much does your marriage mean to each of you if you want to change something for the other.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:But it's not to try to make them like you.
Speaker B:It's so that you can do things with more ease and more unity of mind and heart.
Speaker B:You know, we're trying to get the stuff out of the way that's causing hindrances, but it's not because we're trying to be just alike.
Speaker B:So it's really going to take a walk of faith, trusting in God, praying for your spouse.
Speaker B:If it's something that's more like a big thing, not just habit.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:I mean, you're going to learn, you're going to grow spiritually because you're leaning on the Lord and asking God to help your marriage and not just like change the other person.
Speaker B:But sometimes it's really us that needs to change.
Speaker B:The one who's concerned or the one who's getting irritated or frustrated.
Speaker B:A lot of times, Lord just wants to work on Us.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And then all of a sudden, well, God dealt with my heart.
Speaker B:Now I can be patient with my spouse, because it's not.
Speaker B:It's not bothering me like it did before.
Speaker B:So we're going to read Romans 5, verses 3 through 5.
Speaker B:This is so good, it says, and not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that our tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character.
Speaker B:Character produces hope.
Speaker B:Now, hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us.
Speaker B:And that's the new King James Version.
Speaker A:So we can see Teresa.
Speaker A:Biblical love is not based on ease.
Speaker B:No, no.
Speaker A:But on commitment and.
Speaker A:And covenant.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:First Corinthians 13, 4, 7.
Speaker A:A new living translation.
Speaker A:The love chapter.
Speaker A:Love is patient and kind.
Speaker A:Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Speaker A:It does not demand its own way.
Speaker A:It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
Speaker A:It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Speaker A:Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:That's the love of God.
Speaker B:That's not just romantic love, is it, Jeff?
Speaker B:That's God kind of love.
Speaker A:God kind of love.
Speaker A:That's the agape kind of love.
Speaker B:Yes, it is agape.
Speaker B:So it's really thinking about yourself really takes a back seat with this kind of love.
Speaker B:It's loving God and loving your spouse and wanting God to love them through you.
Speaker B:So you can't afford to be jealous or selfish or rude or, you know, unkind.
Speaker B:You can't afford to do those things.
Speaker B:It's not God's nature.
Speaker B:So we don't want to hinder God's love flowing through us.
Speaker B:So you've got to get rid of those attitudes and those mindsets that would make you act opposite of what God's love is like.
Speaker A:The third lie.
Speaker A:If your sexual desires don't align perfectly, the relationship can't thrive.
Speaker A:But the truth is, God designed sex to be learned and enjoyed within the safety of marriage.
Speaker A:And we see this a lot with couples who they live together or they have premarital sex to try to see if they're compatible.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But that is really not a sign of compatibility.
Speaker B:No, it's not.
Speaker A:Because you're going to go.
Speaker A:You're in your life, your bodies go through so much change, especially the ladies.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:You know, you go through.
Speaker A:If you.
Speaker A:If there's pregnancy that changes you.
Speaker A:Premenopausal changes you post menopausal.
Speaker A:There's different stages of life, but physical intimacy can be rich and fulfilling in every stage of life because we learn how to be.
Speaker A:Serve each other and we learn how to bless each other.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And we learn how to be intimate in other ways that will enhance the physical intimacy.
Speaker A:We learn how to be intimate physically, intellectually, emotionally, and we learn how to be intimate sexually.
Speaker A:And as we work on all of these and give priority to all of these, it just enhances each one of it, doesn't Teresa?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:And we talked about it recently that being spiritually intimate can lead to.
Speaker B:To more physical intimacy because you're learning so much depth of one another.
Speaker B:Your relationship is deepening through your time together spiritually with the Lord and in prayer or in the Word.
Speaker B:And it really does, like you said, each area enhances the other.
Speaker B:And as you were saying, you go through these life changes in different phases of your life, physically, emotionally, for husband and wife.
Speaker B:So you do, you make adjustments and.
Speaker B:And it's like what seemed right at the very beginning of your marriage may have to be adjusted along the way.
Speaker B:And what you enjoy is changing and learn so much more about each other.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And let me encourage you, your physical intimacy can be rich and fulfilling in every part of your marriage and every phase of your marriage.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Hebrews 13, 4 in the Amplified classic says, let marriage be held in honor, esteemed, worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear in all things.
Speaker A:And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled, kept undishonored, for God will judge and punish the unchaste, or all guilty of sexual vice.
Speaker A:And adulteress physical intimacy, it deepens with trust, communication and selflessness.
Speaker A:Not perfect performance.
Speaker A:Again, men, let me remind you, your wife needs to feel close to you emotionally to open up to you physically.
Speaker A:Wives, your husband needs to feel close to you physically to open up to you emotionally.
Speaker B:That's so true.
Speaker B:That is so true.
Speaker A:Lie number four.
Speaker A:Conflict means you're not compatible.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker A:What do you think about that, Teresa?
Speaker B:Oh, that's.
Speaker B:That's kind of impossible to have a relationship with absolutely no conflict.
Speaker B:I mean, that's.
Speaker B:That's not going to happen here on Earth.
Speaker A:If you're a man and a woman, you're going to have conflict if you are two different people.
Speaker A:If you're not married to yourself, you will have conflict.
Speaker A:If you're exactly alike, you're redundant and you don't need the other person.
Speaker B:One of you is not necessary One.
Speaker A:Of you is not necessary.
Speaker A:You can have conflict and not get angry and not feel dishonored and not get hurt.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:There's ways to discuss things in an honorable way with each other that you can overcome these conflicts.
Speaker B:The truth is, conflict is inevitable, but can be healthy when handled with humility and love.
Speaker B:You know, that word humility is coming up a lot.
Speaker B:It's so important.
Speaker A:Paul told us in Ephesians 4.
Speaker A: d New American Standard Bible: Speaker A:Do not sin.
Speaker A:Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:We're going to have emotional reactions to things like anger and maybe a little hurt, maybe a frustration, like I mentioned earlier.
Speaker B:But, you know, it's kind of like, who's the adult in the room?
Speaker B:Someone has to be an adult here and not take everything personally, not get so offended.
Speaker B:Even if it makes you angry, you need to be in control of your own emotions.
Speaker B:Don't leave it up to your spouse to try to get you under control.
Speaker B:You got to be mature enough to handle things without just completely blowing up.
Speaker B:You know, that's.
Speaker B:That's a big problem for a lot of people.
Speaker B:They just kind of let all the little things that make them angry or agitated build up, and then they'll just blow up over something insignificant and their spouse is saying, what is going on with you?
Speaker B:What are you so angry about?
Speaker B:But that's what you're saying.
Speaker B:If we have conflict, we need to discuss things in a disarming way and humble ourselves before the Lord.
Speaker B:Maybe pray together before you even try to discuss a conflict, issue or disagreement.
Speaker B:And that will really take a lot of the emotional charge out of it.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of the issues that could come up, just, just listen to each other and discuss it.
Speaker A:Let me help you out.
Speaker A:You don't always have to be right.
Speaker B:That's true.
Speaker A:And you really never want to win an argument because you don't ever want your spouse to lose.
Speaker A:And you always have to be willing to be wrong.
Speaker A:Maybe my viewpoint is wrong, or maybe I need adjustment.
Speaker A:Maybe you both need adjusting.
Speaker A:Unity isn't the absence of.
Speaker A:Of disagreement, but the presence of forgiveness and a shared vision.
Speaker A:Remember, this is the person you prayed for.
Speaker A:This is the person God brought into your life.
Speaker A:And you have a shared vision.
Speaker A:That's why you should always talk about your goals and your dreams and your visions and you're working together.
Speaker A:You're.
Speaker A:You're hand in hand, arm in arm.
Speaker A:You're walking in step, walking in step, and you're pulling each other together.
Speaker A:And you're encouraging.
Speaker A:One gets to discouraged, the other one encourages them.
Speaker A:And you just keep moving.
Speaker A:Just keeps.
Speaker A:Just keep swimming.
Speaker A:Just keep swimming.
Speaker A:And you just.
Speaker A:You keep moving forward.
Speaker A:And you'll have disagreements, but that's okay.
Speaker A:You just walk.
Speaker A:You just work through it.
Speaker A:And it makes actually, it makes the relationship better when you actually talk about it.
Speaker A:What hurts your relationship when you, when you're not willing to talk about it?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Or you hide it or just pretend it's not there.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's exactly right.
Speaker A:Lie number five.
Speaker A:You're incomplete without a spouse who fills every emotional and spiritual gap.
Speaker A:There is no way I can meet all of Teresa's emotional and spiritual needs.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:And I can't do that for you either.
Speaker A:She cannot do that for me.
Speaker A:She.
Speaker A:I cannot.
Speaker A:So don't put this claim.
Speaker A:Maybe you're.
Speaker A:You're engaged or you're dating or you look for someone.
Speaker A:Don't put such a hard thing on.
Speaker A:On the other person.
Speaker A:You must complete me.
Speaker A:You must meet every need that I have.
Speaker A:That's way too much for any single person to fulfill.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:No one can.
Speaker B:Can shoulder that.
Speaker B:No one can come through with meeting all of that expectation.
Speaker B:We're just not capable of that.
Speaker B:And we, we know that the truth is only the Lord himself can complete us.
Speaker B:That's the way we were designed.
Speaker B:We were designed to need God.
Speaker B:Just, just get that down as your baseline for, for your relationship, your relationship, your marriage.
Speaker B:You each individually, you need God to complete you.
Speaker B:You need God in the midst of your marriage.
Speaker B:There's no way each one of you can be enough for the other.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Colossians 2:10 in a new living translation says so you also are complete through your union with Christ who is the head over every ruler and authority.
Speaker A:A healthy marriage is two individuals rooted in God or walking together, not looking to each other to be the savior or source.
Speaker B:That's so good.
Speaker B:That is so good.
Speaker A:Exciting news.
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Speaker A:This week's friendship builder.
Speaker A:We would like you to discuss this this is suggestion.
Speaker A:What is one area of our faith you'd like to strengthen together?
Speaker A:So that could be anything.
Speaker A:That can be going to church, that could be reading together.
Speaker A:That can be praying together.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Reading an inspirational book together.
Speaker A:What is one area of our faith that you would like us to strengthen together?
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And have a discussion with your spouse.
Speaker B:You might want to write some things down once you start talking about it.
Speaker B:You'll probably think of more things, but you can just focus on one.
Speaker B:You need a notebook?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Start writing things down when you get this discussion started and then you can focus on maybe the one that you both think is the most important to start out with this.
Speaker B:That'll be a great discussion and it might lead you, like you said, to find a book to read to help in this area or study a certain chapter of the Bible or a book of the Bible that that would really influence your thinking and really encourage you in this area.
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Speaker A:Shoot us an email at inspiring marriages t.net we're all ears for your questions, suggestions to enhance our podcast and ideas on topics you love us to dive into next.
Speaker A:Let's keep the conversation going.
Speaker B:Thank you for joining us on this eye opening episode of Inspiring Marriages.
Speaker B:Today we pulled back the curtain on five common lies about compatibility in marriage and held them up to the truth of God's word.
Speaker A:Remember, compatibility isn't about matching hobbies or flawless chemistry.
Speaker A:It's about covenant, commitment and Christ at the center.
Speaker A:Whether you and your spouse are opposites or deep souled kindred spirits, your unity is forged not by feelings but by faithfulness.
Speaker A:If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend, leave a review and make sure to follow us for more content that uplifts, challenges and strengthens your marriage.
Speaker A:Until next time, keep sowing seeds of grace, truth and love, because in Christ your harvest is always worth the wait.
Speaker A:And remember, husband and wife are friends for life.
